Sacramento Parent Magazine

As you might have read in this month’s new magazine, Sacramento Parent is holding a contest to find the “Greenest Family” in the Greater Sacramento area.  My friend called me yesterday to tell me that a mutual friend of ours had given her the latest copy of Sacramento Parent and said, “You should tell Molly about this contest.  I bet she could win!”

My neighbor proceeded to read the article and noticed my name at the top.  Yep, I wrote the article seeking the Greenest Family, and as you can probably guess, I am a pretty green mom (or so I’ve been told).  I’ve got solar panels on my roof, a garden in the front yard, biodiesel in my fuel tank, several compost piles, and laundry hanging on a clothesline.  I’m no Enviro-Mom, but I try to do my part.

While I might be a good contestant for Sacramento Parent Magazine’s latest contest, I can’t rightly enter a contest I wrote.  But it sure did make for a good laugh with my friend, and the experience went to prove that word of mouth is an effective way to advertise.  Do you have a green friend?  By all means, pass your copy of SP on to them (after all, we green families love to reduce, reuse and recycle!) and encourage them to enter the contest to find the Greenest Family in town!

What’s with the slutty Halloween costumes for tweens (and younger!) kids? Have you been to the Halloween super-store? It’s like a warehouse full of sex and violence (mostly sex)… and lots and lots of shoes just made for streetwalking. I ask you: Does the world really need a sexy Ghostbuster? And should pirate wench costumes really come in size 6? Am I getting prudish in my ripe old thirties? Do kids just have to figure it out for themselves (flash backs to one miserable, humiliating Jr. High day I spent as a wanna-be sexy pirate myself )? I love Halloween. It’s tied right up there with Christmas for me (for very different reasons, natch). I just hope there are still some kids out there who can enjoy the holiday for what it should be: a chance to redefine “sugar high” at a new level of manic, heart-racing, time-warping invincibility!

ScienceDaily (Sep. 25, 2009) — Children who are spanked have lower IQs worldwide, including in the United States, according to new groundbreaking research by University of New Hampshire professor Murray Straus.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/09/090924231749.htm

As a parent my job is to correct my kid when they need to get in line.  It’s all about motivation, finding the right thing that gets inside them and says, “I need to get my act together fast…”

When my kids were small, my favorite motivational move was to swoop down on the unsuspecting tantrum and quickly lift it up to my eye level in one quick motion (worked best if they were wearing overalls). A look of bewilderment would be staring back at the big hairy dad who was snorting warm breath at their face on purpose.  It wasn’t a pretty sight, but it got their attention. After the beast implored them to cut the crap it usually stopped or they were invited to spend some quality time in the corner. Most of the time this was enough to get them back on course.

My kids are bigger now and I have to find new ways of getting their attention.  One time the boy mouthed off to RosevilleMom and I calmly walked over, knelt down in front of him and got real close to his face. I place my hand on his chest, taking hold of the fabric of his shirt and slowly made a fist.  The cloth tightened just enough so that he could not move. Having his full attention I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.  Upon release his first move was to seek an apology from his mom. Smart boy.

When I was a kid I recall my mom hitting us like she was the designated hitter in a beer league softball game.  She didn’t spank…she hit for distance. According to my mom, “…you turned out ok…right?” We laugh about it now, I guess it was a different time.

I spanked my daughter once and it scared the (BLEEP) out of me…wrong motivator for both of us.

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been there before.  The middle of the night call from the room down the hall, “MOM!!!”

The dreary eyed mom responding to a desperate cry for help, “What’s wrong honey?”

“I think I’m going to throw up,” responds the pale faced, red eyed child in the top bunk.

And of course, he throws up.  And the mom, not quite awake and quite unprepared to respond to the situation, stands frozen, not knowing what to do.  She wants to comfort her child.  She wants to get him to the bathroom as soon as possible.  She does not want to be puked on.  She is starting to worry about cleaning up what has already issued forth.  She has to think and think fast.  She grabs the nearest thing that resembles a bowl, which happens to be Darth Vader’s helmut.

Yep, in a pinch, Darth Vader’s upside down helmut works just as well as any emesis basin.  I thought I’d pass on the tip, just in case you are awakened by a sick child in the middle of the night.

Last week at our house we were in the middle of birthday season and the start of the NFL season.  It’s a good thing the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson has come back with all new episodes and heaven help us, broadcast in HD!!! I know!

I have a wicked man crush on Craig Ferguson.  I love everything about him and get this, my kids do too. Ok, after all you proper moms, with your holier-than-thou ‘no tv’ mantras, and your ‘we only do educational activities’ get too disappointed and want to leave a comment about what a lousy dad I am, just have another sip of your fat free latte, a nibble on your $4 scone and read on.

My kids are in that prime age where potty humor reigns supreme. Burping and farting is worshiped. Yes, wieners and buns have all kinds of new meaning. Other than it being rather stinky and foolish, the beauty of it is that it’s very innocent and fun.

Who is the ringleader of this sophomoric circus? Hmmm…me? Right!  It’s awesome, utterly fantastic, off the heazy fun!  Ferguson is the king of potty humor and other really juvenile characters of various people, and don’t get me started on the puppets. LOVE THE PUPPETS!  Good times are had by three of the four in la cracker box casa.

Who is the one person who doesn’t participate in this stinky stuff?  Hmmm…RosevilleMom? Right!  In her defense she does get a huge kick out of the sight of the three ‘kids’ rolling with delight, committing to memory and acting out scenes ending in farty jokes from the Late Late Show. She sometimes even belly laughs along side of us, but to be clear, she is only laughing at us and would never laugh at such low brow humor.

The boy: dad, if you are American when you walk into the bathroom, and you are American when you walk out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom???

Dad: what?

The boy: Your-a-peeeeee-in! Get it…like peeing!

Dad and the boy: hahahahahahahahhaha

The girl: not me, I’m-a-fartin! (insert sound here)

Dad, the boy and Girl: hahahahahahahahahaha

Mom: so does anyone besides me find it bizarre that Ferguson’s tv demographic is middle aged white guys AND elementary aged kids?

Dad: hey boy, go get me the can of PEA-nuts. Get it…

Set your TiVo’s!

Frozen yogurt was all the rage when I was a kid.  We used to frequent a little frozen yogurt shop that had about a dozen different flavors; my favorite was Polar Berry.  The shop was in the same building as my mom’s travel agent.   Travel agencies aren’t nearly as popular as they used to be, and although frozen yogurt seemed to disappear from the scene for a few years, IT’S BACK!

Downtown Auburn now sports it’s own fro-yo shop, Tango.  The kids and I couldn’t be happier, though I’ve had to limit our trips to once a week.  It’s a serve yourself kind of place; you pay by the ounce.  My kids have been warned to go easy on the toppings - I don’t want to buy a six dollar yogurt.  So far, they’ve been quite the responsible consumers.

My favorite flavor is California Tart, topped with little, pink, gummy Asian candies.  Mmmmm.  The California Tart machine wasn’t working today, so I had to settle for chocolate.  It was good too.  But I sure hope the machine is fixed by next week.  My mouth waters just thinking about that cold, tart and tangy fro-yo.

wife: Did you buy cat food?

husband: Yep, left it in the garage, I’ll get it.

[husband comes in with the orange bag of over priced cat food. Looks in the cat dish.]

husband: Hey, there is food still in SueSue’s dish.

wife: I meant, did you buy ‘wet’ food?

husband: Wet food? The sticky stinky stuff in a can that is junk-food and not as healthy as this $25 bag of rip off?

wife: Yep, wet food. Did you get any?

husband: Hold the bus for just a moment Mrs. Nurti-nazi woman of mine. I thought you wanted ALL the inhabitants in la cracker box casa to eat healthy. That is why YOU, my cardio queen, started buying the orange bag of feline goodness. Did I miss something?

wife: SueSue is getting old and I thought she should have a treat and it makes her happy. So I’ve been giving her a can of wet food each morning.    

husband: So that explains the glazed look in her eyes and the gnawing on cupboard door the last few days. She’s strung out! She’s jone-zen for her crappy cat food fix. Get Dr. Drew on the phone, next stop kitty rehab. But…BUT, that doesn’t explain YOUR logic, my iron pumping life partner. Do I understand you to mean that the two legged creatures must only devour all things high fiber, low carb, low fat and NO fun while the four legged ones are given a pass on this edict?

wife: Yes, she’s old and deserves to be happy.

husband: What the….do you hear yourself?

wife: Please go back to the store and get the wet food. Make sure to get the ’sliced beef’, not the ‘chicken’.

husband: Sure thing, right after I hit the drive thru at In ‘n Out.

husband: Want anything…Double-Double?