Sacramento Parent Magazine

“The f*&#ng cat is out,” Riley told me non-nonchalantly. “WHAT?” I asked him, thinking I did not hear him correctly. “He said the f*$#ng cat is out,” replied my husband as he strode into the room, “It’s exactly what you said yesterday.”

Yes, this is probably true. I have a horrible potty mouth. Actually more like a port-a-potty mouth. I often get stumped trying to use other words instead of my beloved adjectives and nouns. I use them casually. I use them to add life to a story. I use them everyday. I am constantly censoring myself. My family is aware of this and have been waiting for this day. My mother in particular since being a first grade teacher claims she has no idea were this language came from. I am not sure were my fondness for expletives came from. I have a fascination with all languages, even majoring in a foreign language in college. Which by the way, is one of the most useless majors you can get. TRUST ME. Unless you are going to teach it, you are not going to do anything with it you couldn’t learn from a CD and save yourself the the gargantuan student loan debt.

So I have decided it is now time to grow up, grab a dictionary, and use appropriate language. Parenting is good for changing one’s habits. My husband gave up smoking after Riley smoked a piece of bark at preschool, I can give up my love of the four letter word.

But, the years are short”  A good quote about raising kids.  My 20 month old Baby is quickly leaving babyhood for terrible toddlerdom.  It makes me sad as he is my last baby and I also already have a toddler (a 3 year old) and know they can be challenging.  So I am a little sad, a little scared and a lot shocked by how fast it goes by.  Everyone said it would, but I didn’t really understand.

I know from my daughter that the road ahead is full of food-chucking, “NO!” tantrums extraordinaire, bad moods, lack of sharing and rejection of most healthy meals.

But tonight after melting down he climbed in my lap and said “MAMA!” very loudly and then smiled at me with all his new teeth and gave me a little pat.   And I just stared at him and wondered and smiled.

is good news.  Does anyone else agree?  I have been noticing lately that the news whether read on-line or watched via super-sensational tv is so depressing.  Since having kids I am doing less and less of the news.  If I do read or watch anything about kids it stays with me for days and I start to feel so bleak about the world.

Lately I went on a news-hiatus.  I did this once in college with dating and it proved very helpful. I have now confirmed that the less I know about the “world” via media the better.  Magazines, by the way are totally fine and provide solace and truly intersting/helpful info!

By the way…..I didn’t date for 2 years and then I met my husband.  He ended my hiatus and redeemed the gender for me all at once.

My husband worked out of town all last week and I discovered a few things. For eight long years, I have been walking into rooms such as the kitchen or bathroom, and throwing my hands out in exasperation at the drawers and cabinet doors being left open. I will angrily throw the doors shut or slam drawers back into place. All the while, mumbling to myself, why, why? Doesn’t he see the door open? Does he just open a cabinet, grab a glass and run away before another thought could enter his brain telling him to close it? THEN DOES HE WALK OUT WITH HIS EYES CLOSED?

Wweell…this week I have been entering the kitchen and lo and behold, a door is left opened from where we keep the coffee, the silverware drawer is askew after perhaps a spoon is obtained and the pantry door is still ajar.

Of course, my first thought is we have a ghost. A bona fide poltergeist has come to torture us. I panic as I think we are two nights away from running, screaming, out the front door in the middle of the night, leaving all our precious belongings-I’m leaving one of the dogs- to move across the country were we will then tearfully tell Matt Lauer that something evil rose from the basement, oh wait, the backyard, telling us we have to get out immediately or else the sci-fi channel will come to exploit us.

After my panic subsided, I also found out I am the one who dirties more dishes than a New York eatery.

Our weekend was one of the worst ever.  Dual projectile vomiting from two kids too small to communicate this, so it just happened wherever they were:  the couch, their beds etc….followed by mommy and daddy getting the bug and all 4 of us lying on the floor all weekend moaning.  I literally thought I might die my body hurt so much.  I can only imagine how the kids felt.  Now I am a bit better and daddy is back at work and I am faced with a laudry pile like never before. 

This was not in the brochure…

I was the type of woman, who after three years and getting only one night away from my kids and looking forward to a mini-break last weekend with my husband (sans kids) with so much anticipation it was crazy, would then get all weird and mushy and totally miss my kids.  What is that?  Am I nuts?  We finally had two nights in a row in a nice hotel and the city around us and what do we do? 

Talk about the kids.  Say things like “oh, April would love that”….Glance lovingly at other people’s small babies and kids.  Shop for presents for them.  Come home early.

What???

I have been on vacation all week. We had previously planned to borrow my in-laws R.V. and head to the beach for the week but after our Humboldt experience, we tossed that out the window. For once, I decided to just stay home and enjoy a nice leisurely week with my two year-old Riley.

Monday: Woke up once again, with one eye swollen shut. Jeminy Christmas, it is getting to be were I am going to have to don a hazmat suit to run to my vehicle and leap inside without so much as a glance towards any suspicious looking green, reddish plants. Or else I am going to set up a video camera to catch my wicked husband in the act of rubbing it on my face while I unknowingly slumber away.
After taking leftover steroids -yes I ran fast that day- my eye resembled more of a lazy eye rather than a victim of a very good sucker punch. I was now ready to go enjoy a girl’s night out. Two moms and I descended on our small town ready to let our hair down. Well some of us might have hair that could come down but one of us sprayed the you-know-what out of our outdated do and that lacquered arrangement wasn’t going anywhere. Three hours later we discovered a karaoke bar and because I have known one of the moms for almost 10 years, I proceeded to buy rounds of shots and in less than half an hour later, she was singing Norah Jones while I happily snapped pictures with my phone and sent it to everybody we knew.

Tuesday: I laid on the couch while my normally organic-eating, no processed foods into this mouth, two year old walked around with a bag of chips and a fudgsicle. I owe you one big guy.

Wednesday and Thursday: We went to the river to soak up the sun and play in the water. Too bad on Thursday, mommy almost stepped on a snake in the water and spent the next 15 minutes frozen on her towel watching every single stick, rock, and movement coming our way. Only jumping up when Riley would ask frantically, “Is that it? Is that the snake?” I finally begged him to go. Obviously he refused so I did the unthinkable and asked, “How about getting ice cream?” Riley waiting about 5 seconds then stated, “Time to go!”

Friday: We visited our local library for the first time and Riley re-alphabetized the fiction section. I am sure that was much appreciated by the busy personnel. After Riley licked the chairs for the 3rd time we opted to go.

It is now the weekend and with a heavy sigh, we will soon to be back to the old routine.